The whole point of free speech is not to make ideas exempt from criticism but to expose them to it.

Friday, February 12, 2010

The White Cloud Affair

Look closely at these two pictures. I am a professional photographer. My craft takes me to strange and wonderful places, like convenience store toilets and department store toilet paper displays.

The top picture is "before;" the lower one is "after." You see, not only do I often take pictures of scatologically sensitive subjects, I get involved. I, at the orders of a Corporate Scatology Boss, actually improve the merchandising of buttwipe. More below the pix.

My orders were: Go to [location redacted] and assure that the White Cloud 24-count toilet paper is merchandised according to [a model illustration included].

If the White Cloud 24-count toilet paper is not displayed according to the illustration, change the store's display so that it matches the illustration. Take photos of the display before and after you make any changes to the display.

IMPORTANT: This is a COVERT merchandising assignment! Store personnel should not know that you are completing a merchandising assignment.

Luckily, I found the display only slightly effed up. I made the changes. I would have been sorely vexed had there been no White Cloud on display. I may have even had to call Corporate Scatology, because later in the instructions was a strangely contradictory instruction:

If you are unable to locate the White Cloud 24ct. toilet paper on the sales floor, BUT a shelf tag was present on the shelves for this product, work with appropriate store personnel to secure product placement.

It's hard to work with store personnel while maintaining covert status, although it can be done.

By the way, provided Corporate Scatology approves my report, I will be paid $5.00 for this assignment, about a month down the road.

Having been apprised of my expertise, perhaps you have an assignment for me. I don't come cheap, unless you think that $5.00 for driving 80 miles and spending over an hour on the computer making the report is cheap. But I'm worth the money. You'll see.


Michael Sanborn said...

I think you are doing an excellent job and should ask for a merit raise and promotion.

Michael Sanborn said...

Are you likewise compensated for sabotaging the competing wipe's display?

Taunia said...

I feel much better knowing you're in charge of toilet paper.

I'd pay $6.00 for you to come to MO for the same fine work.

Is there an extra charge for an assessment on colored paper?